Sunday, June 27, 2010

a little rant... um actually a big one

I feel it is someone's duty to inform everyone that MTF transgender come in all shapes, sizes, and mannerisms. Like all girls some of us might have a tad bit of tomboyishness and others might conform to the stereotypes that we do not know what a hammer is and all like the color pink!

The path to reconcile how I feel inside and what the body I'm in is a fucking difficult task! Just like everyone else I have days that I'm bulletproof and other days my hormones are not quite balanced that cause me to cry at the smallest provocation.

Some days I am dismayed when I am called a sir or have someone I know refer to me as a man. That literally just sends daggers into my spirit and I feel myself bleeding to death.

It does get that way sometimes.

My dream is to get my SRS and align how I feel with the vessel I am experiencing this life in. I cannot think of any other way to express the horror I feel when I have to wake up everyday and know that I'm in this body. I don't want to be a f*n princess. I am not girly girly and feel I can make shit happen for myself. That's where I'm at mentally! I like messing around with computers and like science. Does that make it right to place value judgments on me?! I know plenty of uterus-equipped women that like to rumble and tumble with the boys and hold non-traditional jobs that some women would crumble under. Does that make them less woman or not a woman?

I beg of everyone who knows me to quit reminding me about my biological misalignment and show this woman some respect. She's worked her ass off and is trying her best to make her way through this life with some shred of happiness. Thank you.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Need a ride to..... anywhere.

I’m slowly getting over a cold… argh! I was quite vigilant in my daily running but this has set me back a couple of days. I had a deviated septum repair last month so I think pushing myself so hard has aggravated the area and caused me to get sick! It stinks but I’ll deal. I am relieved that the halfway point is coming up for the semester and that more credits will be added to my graduation checklist. I have certainly been working hard as far as studies go! On a different topic I was online last night and got an email from Amtrak that stated I could get extra points if I made a reservation right away! I got to thinking and wished that I could just get a ticket to Chicago, Los Angeles (LA), San Francisco (San Fran), or New York. I used to live in Chicago and had been to LA and San Fran so that left New York.

Now you’re in New Yoooorrrkk. City where dreams are made of.. there’s nothing you can’t doooo! Now you’re in New York New York Neewww Yooorrrk!


The song by Alicia Keys came to mind immediately. I seriously need some downtime and a getaway for myself! One thing that presents serious consideration is how much money I have in the bank! I think at this point a trip to Albuquerque may be more realistic. I’ve always loved traveling from as far back as I can remember. My dad used to load us up and we’d take off for Tucson, Phoenix, or Albuquerque just because. We did go to Las Vegas (while I was 9 or 10) and Los Angeles (to visit relatives) but that was only once. These days Dad is just about seventy and mom is right behind him so traveling consists of going out to town (Gallup) and occasionally to Albuquerque.

The concept of embarking on a trip alone is a little intimidating but I’m old enough to know when to proceed with caution or what situations I need to stay out of. I am not drinking these days so the lifestyle that comes with that crowd would not be involved. I don’t drug or am not planning some bank heist either!

I admit that school is very important to me right now but I’ve wanted to go out of the country for a long time now. I would like to go to Japan, China, Spain, Italy, Greece, Egypt, the Gobi Desert, and England. My language skills certainly need some expanding and conceptualizing as customs come along with language. The one thing I find motivating me is the local cuisine of other countries. I never did like onions, bell peppers, and all those icky things that I used to pick off of a supreme pizza that someone ordered. Now I love them and almost feel like I want to experience new things… maybe there’s a connection with traveling??? At any rate don’t be surprised if you hear that I am anywhere but here sometime next year or the year after that. One can only wait!